Is it right that someone can feel so surrounded by people and yet feel so lonely at the same time ? This feeling is scaring me over time , that I dont know how to face it anymore . But I realised the further I run away , the nearer I get to facing the problem all over again . Its getting on my nerves . People keep telling me I have to change , okay . I admit Im not the best friend , or rather , Im not even a good friend to start with . But if you dont tell me how to be a better friend , or at least , tell me how I can change , how am I ever going to understand what's wrong with me ? 

I dont know , but some people told me I changed . I dont notice , its a subconscious effect I guess . But how is it possible that some people can sense the change , while the others totally neglect it ? I dont understand . You guys just keep telling me how detestable I am , how I should just stay away and not disturb your friendship with others , that you know , its starting to make me detest myself . Its like the more you mention my flaws , the more I wish I could just drop dead or something so you and I wouldnt have to see them anymore . I honestly thought sec 3 would be a different experience , a new beginning . But now that 1 term has gone by , Im starting to realise that nothing has changed . Im still the Jordyn people dislikes and leaves out . Im still the Jordyn that people dont give a damn about . But in my efforts of changing to become a better person in general , I realised that whatever I do , you guys are just going to continue noticing my flaws and not see my change because of your permanent impression of me . And if that goes on , how can I ever prove my worth ? Even when one day I truly am a good enough friend , how is anyone going to judge and know that , since nobody bothers to notice ? 

Im only human . And to err is human . I may have done many wrong things , did alot of stuff that might have hurt people . But thats probably because we were all immature at that time . But have you all realised why I did all those hurtful stuff ? Im not saying Im not wrong , but Im trying to make you realise why I am like this . Everything I did , I just wanted to stand up for myself . You know how it feels like to be hurt , to be called names , to be insulted with vulgar ? No you dont ! Because you're not me , you dont know what I go through . Yes , I might have been rude , but have you ever thought that if you guys hadnt hurt me in the first place , would I retaliate ? It doesnt make me any happier either to say all those rude stuff . It justs . Give me a sense of security . Like hey , I can stand up for myself now , I dont have to be afraid anymore . But now that I came to realise that its not about who is the better bully , but who is the one that can please people , I see the childishness we all had .

The thing I dont understand is , why do people judge me when they dont even know me ? I know I probably was mean and all . But to my friends , real ones of course , I really do everything I could to make them happy . But people dont understand . They just look at the bad side of me without looking at the other . They judge me only because I speak up for myself . Even when they dont know me , they just assume . And the rumours just keep going on and on and on . But what makes them so sure that I dont have things that Im struggling with ? What makes them so sure that , Im detestable ..? I only want to make the people who love be loved . Is that wrong ? 

If I can let go of everything you guys did to me , every single one of them . Why cant you ? Cant we just start all over again ? If I had a choice , I wouldnt even retaliate anymore . Im scared of the consequence , Im afraid of everything . Im scared of the loneliness . I fear the rejection . 

I hate the hatred .